Military Humor
From Murphy's Laws of Combat: Incoming fire has the right of way.
Back in my Air Force days, I did indeed work in a comm center with a TS clearance and with access to not only Blue Force Locator, but also Red Force Locator. We also had some of the most dead-boring night shifts imaginable, and took to playing wargames during them, specifically 6th Fleet. Well, after a while, it seemed only natural to check out the Locator reports, setup our forces accordingly, and declare that a crisis has pushed things into hostilities as of "now." We had a great deal of fun with this...
...and then an Intel type decided to drop by to see how we were securing our classified info.
INTEL TYPE: Hmmm...is that Victory Games' 6th Fleet?
US (sheepishly): Um, yeah...
INTEL TYPE: Hmmm...those force deployments look awfully.....current.
US (more sheepishly): Um, yeah...
INTEL TYPE: How current?
US (turning red): Um, about six hours ago?
The intel type broke out a "SECRET" stamp, proceeded to stamp every game component except the counters, and informed us that it could no longer leave the comm center, unless we wanted to donate the game to the intel center. Not a bad outcome, really; it meant that we still had the thing for those long, boring night shifts. For all I know, the thing might still be sitting on a shelf there, entertaining the current graveyard shift.
From Murphy's Laws of Combat: Friendly fire isn't.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
From Murphy's Laws of Combat: If the enemy is in range, so are you.
My dad, (a Naval aviator during the 60s), once had an Hispanic pilot trainee call in for an approach to a tower. The guy had a thick accent and from my Dad's description sounded something like the Taco Bell dog:
TRAINEE: "Naaavee four five niiiiner, requesting clearance."
TOWER: "Whose Navy?"
From Murphy's Laws of Combat: Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces actions upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO). (Snake Model)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves the area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controller: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.
16. Transport Pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 Pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 Pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too hot also too cold, was clear but too overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache Pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk Pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 Pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two square miles of target.
22. Missile Crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25 Recruiter: Gets snakes name, contact info, phone, GPA, ASVAB, SAT, mothers maiden name, and shoe size. Proceeds to tell the snake how wonderful the military is, the travel, the careers, the wonderful lifestyle, and the college benifites. The recruiter then start talking about the challenge and social aspects but discovers the snake has been crushed by the avalance of BS.
26. Psyops: Snake? Snake? You call that thing a Snake? Then proceeds to break out speakers, spraypaint, and paper machete and builds a reproduction lochness monster to terrorize the locals with.
27. Public Affairs: Snake? SNAKE? SNAKE!! AHhhhh, Runs away and spends the next three months in a psych ward. Meets attractive young nurse in ward, shows off journalistic talent, gets married and writes a book about experience.
28. Civil Affairs. Convinces locals to help find, capture, and cook the snake. As lots of fun as the "Snake Roast".
29) Submarine'ers: Lock on a Mark-82(3?) torpedo and fire it at the snake (Ala Pink Submarine movie, torpedo going up the beach and hitting truck) But, snake slithers into the weeds. Captain says "Darn, I missed that snake in the grass!"
30. MP: Arrests a half dozen infantrymen who decided to harrass local snakes without orders.
31. Air Force Col. Looks ahead carefully, decides that snake is no-where near the green and reaches for his 4 iron.
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Last modified: July.. 24, 2001